Today should be day 20 of the “write 31 days” challenge. If you look on the series page, though, there are just 13 posts published. I’m a little behind…
I fully intend to see the series through to the end, but at this point, I will certainly be writing about kids in the kitchen on into November. Characteristically, I entered the challenge full-steam ahead. My posts were planned and I was excited. I hope you were a little too.
Planning ahead notwithstanding, life does not slow down for blog deadlines or challenges to write everyday. This month has been FULL. Good, but full.
It’s about this time when I start to lose a little steam. Writing and productivity slow down. Honestly I needed a break. Between a commitment to put my family first and a commitment to not waste your time by publishing sub-par work, new posts are being spread out a little more. Perhaps I will pick it back up again and publish daily by the end of the month. Perhaps not. If you’re as busy as I am (and you most likely are), a slower reading pace should be fine.
There is more to the story than just the normal stuff of life taking precedence over daily writing, though. Since the beginning of the month I have been SO tired. Fatigued with a capital “F”. There’s also been some queasiness. Achy legs. And a persistent metallic taste in my mouth.
Is that hint enough?
Yep. We are expecting again.
I have run the gamut of emotions since seeing those two pink lines. I am certain I will continue to wade through the emotional ebb and flow which comes from new life after loss.
We have known for a few weeks now, but I can’t really ever seem to figure out exactly how I want to announce our new joy. A new life is growing inside me. A new heart that never beat before is pumping rhythmically away.
A miracle indeed.
And we are excited. Truly we are. But this time it’s a little different. I don’t want it to be different. And yet some things in life make indelible changes on your soul. We still miss James.
Little by little I’m facing my fears. Namely fearing losing another child. Conventional wisdom suggests waiting to announce a pregnancy until the second trimester. And while we have never followed conventional wisdom before, this time I wondered if I should.
But I think that for me, announcing this life and recognizing the joy in carrying another child is an important step in opening myself up to celebrate and rejoice.
We trusted the Lord through the death of our son. He kept us and held us through the sorrow. Sorrow which we are still facing.
I know He is faithful and good. What He is revealing in my heart right now is whether or not I value Him above everything else. Will He still be most beautiful and worthy of treasuring if I never hold this baby?
Answering yes to that question is the answer to my fears. What can separate me from the love of God? NOTHING.
I know this is likely one of the weirdest pregnancy announcements you’ve ever read. Searching Pinterest for ideas like adding a “g” to a jar of Prego or snapping a pic of an extra pair of shoes just didn’t seem right this time.
I “should” be eight months pregnant right now, not experiencing another round of first trimester nausea. However, life and death are in God’s hands, not mine. One thing I’ve worried over is if this is all too soon. But as I voiced these concerns to my husband and close friends, each of them have reminded me that God opens and closes the womb. My times are in His hands.
If you’ve stuck around to read this far, thank you for enduring a little rambling. I so appreciate all of you! Please join us in celebrating this new life!
If you have experienced life after losing a child, I’d love to hear your story. Sharing and listening to others’ stories has been a special, unexpected blessing these past few months.